So—off I head to get my ‘intake assessment’.
Man–I was in terrible shape!! How the hell did this happen? I used to do 100 MILE bike rides! I was UNDERWEIGHT at age 34! I NEVER thought I would have to struggle with weight!
He did my measurements–and I am cringing—nobody in the WORLD knows my measurements–not even ME!! (Elastic pants allow a GREAT deal of denial)! Now, I have a GUY trying to get a tape measure around my “NO I AM NOT PREGNANT” belly. Of course, I am WAY past child bearing age but you’d never say it looking at my stomach!
The SHAME of it all.
But, he was SO professional, and quietly kind, that I just kept telling myself “He’s done this hundreds of times–it’s nothing”
It’s like when a woman comes in for a pap smear–believe me — it’s nothing, I’ve done it thousands of times before!
“How committed are you to doing this?” he asks.
What am I going to do say – a lie?? I’m really looking forward to sweating, puking, and feeling like I am going to die?
“about 70%”, I say. His eyebrows rise up—–bloody skeptic! Waddya want–110%???– bet you’ve heard that before!
He wisely keeps his mouth shut—good man!
So now–“Lets see how flexible you are” , he says.
I am not one bit flexible–the only thing stretchy on me is my belly fat!
I failed at doing a lunge–and still can’t do them! These old knees just don’t like them at all! Can’t touch my toes—NOT flexible!
My resting pulse was about 80–not terrible. He says I’m probably nervous—NOPE—just in bad shape! It’s 58 now!! Better than a lot of the young nurses I work with!
First work out!
Come with me–he smiles…and off we go—to the stairs, and stop!
“Just stand on the stairs, and do calf raises–20 reps and 4 sets”. What? Where’s the fancy equipment–the machines, the barbells?
OK—My legs were burning by 4th set. He leans in—-“Feel the burn?” he asks (gleefully??).
“Now, just stand at the desk here, and lift your leg out to the side—keep your torso straight—just lift the leg—just the leg–stay staight, you’re leaning your whole body into it—just the leg!!”–Mother of GOD!!! You do realize it’s a 70 pound leg??!!!
“OK — on to the overhead arm pulls–(ooohh a machine!). We’ll start at 30 pounds” OK! Seems easy enough……–I felt the arms burning up by eight pulls–and the banter started– “4 more–two to go–last one–you can do it!” I would hear that a LOT in the next few months–still do in fact! (I’m pulling 120 pounds now)
“Let’s try some squats with the exercise ball.”
” Hmm–what’s the weight limit on that ball??” (most chairs have a 250 weight limit)–I was at 250!
“Don’t worry about it!”
I cringed–waiting for the explosion! Believe me, I was REALLY compressing that ball!
“OK”, he says. “When you get down in the squat position, remember to squeeze your glutes”.
I practically snorted laughing. I’ve been a gynecologist way too long!!
“Listen—you, you young fella”–(I am same age as his mother–so kinda look at him the same as one of my grown kids). “I am now speaking for ALL WOMEN (something he would get used to hearing). You had better believe that if we, who have delivered babies through our hoohahs, are asked to do a squat in front of any guy, we are damn well squeezing our glutes together–and YOU…. are standing WAY too close!
That was the first of many a laugh on this journey–I tell him he has supplied motivation, and numerous funny stories! I think all the staff at the gym were laughing and asking, during classes, if we were ‘squeezing our glutes!”
He asked me if there were any exercises that I could not, or would not, do.
Well– a BURPEE is never going to happen! Sit ups–not likely–and RUNNING is out!!
I never ran as a child even, so forget that–and, oh yes, I never could touch my toes. Gym teachers in elementary school would have people hold my knees, and try to push me down–no go!! Tight hamstrings from birth!
So– off I go, after the first work out–feeling tired, but exhilarated—excited that this may be the way to go! I knew right from the get go that this trainer was going to be a good match. I WAS READY – he didn’t shout or make me feel like dirt! I had heard stories about trainers–body shaming, not paying attention–but not this guy–quiet, attentive, and didn’t push you beyond your limit.
You got to watch those quiet ones, I found out!
So–the morning after our first work out, I wake up in bed…–Brrr! a little chilly –need my duvet over my shoulders—
I can’t move my arms!
OH CRAP–it’s too late!!!!
I just get started, and I’ve had a stroke!
………Whoa!! ……..Wait a minute–I can still move my fingers on both arms–NOT a stroke—WTF!!
My trainer has near done me in!
I go to get up to the bathroom–I can barely walk–my calves are so sore!
I texted my trainer–“Like– what is the point of exercising to the point that I can’t exercise today? I normally swim in the morning, but couldn’t even brush my teeth without propping my arm on the shelf! I had to turn by head from side to side–lifting the toothbrush from the lower teeth to the upper teeth–ain’t happening!!
I could barely walk into the hospital to work”
“It will get better”, he chuckled. He chuckles a LOT. So I showed up again–and again–and— it did get better!
So! I My start weight was actually 288, but the app only shows one year. I started on January 6, 2017 with my trainer, and I have lost 55 more pounds (93 in total)–two pounds a week.
I make sure I get 7000 calories a week deficit–and I use MYFITNESSPAL to log my food and activity.
HERE’S THE LINK—GO AND DO IT!!! http://www.myfitnesspal.com
I have about 35 pounds to get to my goal weight.
My strength is improving all the time.
WEIGHTS WILL NOT MAKE YOU BULKY–you will SLIM DOWN!!
I started doing leg adductor at 40 pounds, and now can do 200–“the whole stack “! I was so pleased, I must have oozed SMUGNESS -so my trainer drops another 5 pounds on the stack—just to keep my ego in check! I gritted my teeth, and did that too! He is in really great shape–but my adductors are stronger than his!! TEEHEE!!!
It felt awesome when one of the gym rat guys came over and remarked “Holy Cow—a bunch of us were trying that the other day, and we got to 160–she’s lifting the whole stack?!?” My trainer smiles proudly, and says “She’s got really powerful adductor muscles”. I feel happy that he seems pleased! But, as strong as my legs are–my shoulders are WEAK–I STILL can’t do ONE–not ONE straight leg regular pushup!! We are building up to that!
WHAT IS IT WITH GYMS AND MIRRORS???
My trainer tried to get me in front of the endless gym mirrors.
“AGAIN,”–I told him. “I speak for all (overweight) women. We HATE mirrors, and I don’t want to see myself–especially sweating in gym clothing at this weight!! And– you need to go sit on the window sill over there!”
“Why–what did I do?” he asked.
“You are smaller than me(I am a 6 foot tall big woman–and he is about 5’9″ normal size man), and when you are standing right beside me, you make me look as big as a fecking barn (look–I like Mrs. Brown’s boys, and I’m a Newfie–waddya want) –get on the window sill!”
“But –it’s good to look at yourself, and check your form!” he says.
“That’s what your job is for chrissake–I don’t know if my FORM is good!”
We still play the ‘avoid the mirror game’–I still don’t like the mirror–but it is creeping in a little. I know he’s checking to see if I’m looking–but I studiously avoid it!
I felt very badly about that interaction afterwards–actually lost sleep. I had called him ‘small’–and he is just normal–he IS “slight”, but it was the comparison.
I apologized sincerely at our next meeting—“Pfftt–it was nothing” he says. “It didn’t bother me at all”
I felt really bad, and vowed not to do anything like that again. At our NEXT meeting, he commented that he was thinking of starting to work out himself–to ‘bulk up’ a little.
AH HA!!–so my comment did hit a nerve—shame on me. Coinky dink? Me thinks NOT. He was a little hurt, I think.
I then had to research this use of mirrors when training, and it turns out that putting overweight women in front of mirrors at start of weight loss routine increased the drop out rate. DUH!!!!
I printed off the paper and gave it to him–written by American College of Sports Medicine—his training was done through them! I think–being a guy–he had to see it in print, whereas for us women — it is common knowledge!!
AWKWARD –WEIRD—-what is this thing with trainers???
I have spoken with other women who are using same trainer, and I had to ask–since I am usually out there in terms of saying what I think, “What is this thing– that I feel the need to please my trainer?”
“Oh thank GOD!” each said, “I thought it was just ME!! He’s young enough to be our son, yet we want to make him happy!!” Seems like everybody wants to make this guy happy!
So, I had to research this, and sure enough–this is actually the main reason that personal trainers work—-the emotional bond!
It is a very unusual relationship. Oprah and Bob, Madonna and her trainer husband….
It was good to discuss this with the others–and I have also discussed it with a couple of guys— who ALSO said they feel great affection for THEIR personal trainers—almost brotherly love!
Anyway–it also helps that he is an overall great guy–I think EVERYBODY feels affection for him at our gym! And, if wanting to please your trainer is helping you lose weight–then no problem!!
One woman said that you are very vulnerable when you are snorting, and sweating, with the weights, and there has to be a trust that this vulnerability will not be abused. I think she hit the nail on the head.
Weight loss is a very emotional journey–you often work out until you are just dog tired, and have nothing left–and he sees you when you are down, discouraged, and at your worst. Then, there is the inevitable chatting between sets: bad day, good day, conflicts, family, and you know that what you say is “protected”— I think trainers are a little like psychologists—a large part of job is listening, I think.
It also means that much more when you hit a goal–you know he actually is happy about it!
NICE THINGS ABOUT LOSING WEIGHT
I do find–as more weight is being lost–that my self confidence is increasing. People are telling me I even walk differently.
I will go and lift weights now with a friend, or even by myself–I never would have done that before.
I try to fit in someting any chance I get to burn calories:
I walk laps around the hospital between patients — or while they are getting dressed.
I do pushups against the nurses station.
I’ll wall sit while I answer/make a phone call.
My skipping rope has been tried out too– but is trickier not to hit anybody!
I will jump up the stairs, and do calf raises at the top!
I will do squats while drying my hair or brushing my teeth.
While I am waiting for food to microwave, or the toast to burn, I will go and run up and down the stairs, or do squats or pushups against the counter. Every 3 calories counts–it adds up.
I am sticking with my trainer to goal weight–and have made it known, that I will be staying with him for at least a year after goal; I don’t become part of the 95% who regain the weight!
I also want to get stronger and fitter–not just thinner!
I need to learn to MAINTAIN!
It has become a bit of a game—how strong can I become in another year??
I’M WORTH IT!!
95% REGAIN THE WEIGHT!!!
ISUS (INTERNAL SCREWED UP SENSOR) NEVER TAKES A BREAK!)
I am 13 pounds from entering “normal BMI”–but need to get well down into that wide range to allow any sense of “wiggle room”.
WHY DO PEOPLE TELL YOU THAT YOU NEED TO STOP??
Don’t you notice the number of people who now are asking what you eat–as if there is some magic formula. There isn’t!! I eat regular food, and try to avoid the crap we all know we shouldn’t be eating–and I am literally exercising my butt off!
It is a daily battle to fight the cravings, and make the right food choices. Working at a hospital is bad—SO MUCH JUNK at nurses stations! I don’t bring in donuts to them–I bring in fresh fruit, bunches of bananas etc–but we work on a delivery floor, so grateful patients are constantly dropping off delicious goodies.
I can walk past the goodies for a long time–but if I’ve been up all night, or there is a woman in labor–it is REALLY hard to keep will power up and going hour after hour!
“If you lose any more you will be too skinny”. This is a common comment–I am sure well-intentioned–but I can show you the tire around my gut that needs to go away, so I don’t meet the waist criteria for METABOLIC SYNDROME.
Also—I have to tell people I am fine! Around here, if you lose weight–especially if you are over 50–they think you have cancer!
NON SCALE VICTORIES (NSV)
I love being able to pull the belt tighter in my airplane seat. I love that my shoes are looser, my legs are not so swollen, and that I have gone from a 2-3X to a L-XL–in a REGULAR store! I even just bought a MEDIUM winter coat, and there was room to spare!
I love feeling fit! I didn’t feel fit when I “dieted”–so this is like going back 30 years! I didn’t have to wait long to feel awesome–I started feeling awesome almost right away after starting training. Even with 20 pounds gone, I found shoveling snow was not back-breaking.
My back used to KILL me–I actually had to sit down to (get this)–PEEL POTATOES–now — how sick is THAT!!
AND–my greatest accomplishment is that in March, I asked my trainer about this 5-10 K walk/run put on by the YMCA. He said I could do it, and I thought I would enter and WALK 10 K. So, I walked 10K on the treadmill in 94 minutes.
On April 1st, I decided I would try a little-gasp- running!! I downloaded the C25K app–and thought I had better do that in April, and then do the 5-10K app during May and June, since the run was June 24th.
So I get my gelfoams in my Payless sneakers, and get on the treadmill and go to DAY 1–run for 30 seconds then walk for 2 minutes– and do this 3 times. MAN –30 seconds –running??? I literally thought I was going to DIE—I never thought I would make it through 30 seconds–and that 2 minutes of walking went by so fast, I barely caught my breath! At the end, I went to the bathroom, and dry-heaved.
Then I got MAD–at myself—I can’t believe I let myself get into such terrible shape. And, as my mother always said–When I get mad–watch out–things are going to happen!
I decided to do the app workout DAILY, instead of three times a week. So I ran 30 seconds for a few days–Then it had me increase to TWO minutes.
After doing the FIVE minute run, the app jumped right to 15 minutes. WTFECK happened to 6, 7, 8,9,10, 11,12. 13 and 14 minutes?? You jump from 5 to 15!?!?!?
I was now really ticked off at this app. I decided I was going to go and just see if I could run 5K. I did –in 30 minutes 33 seconds. I just did 5 K in 27:57 the other day! I guess the people who designed that app knew what they were doing—THEY knew it could be done!!
My trainer and I, after my 10k. I don’t feel quite as big as a barn now- maybe just a shed now)
Bottom line–33 days after that pukey 30 second run on the treadmill, I ran 10K in 1 hour 2 minutes 0 secs–still my personal best–I was 1:2:11 on day of YMCA run–coming second in my sex/age category (out of a small number—but who cares).
IF I CAN DO IT—YOU CAN DO IT!!!
I will add more to this blog as my weight loss reaches goal.
MEN AND COMPLIMENTS
So–I finally got brave enough–and sweaty enough in the summer–to wear sleeveless tops to the gym.
“You can pull it off!” say my Dutch friends–the Dutch are brutally frank!
So–I do it–wear my tank top, and go to work out.
WHAT IS IT WITH MEN AND COMPLIMENTS??!!
I’m doing my tricep kick backs–sweating, and gritting teeth, and my trainer says,”Hey! you got some good muscle definition starting to happen there!!”
I was tickled–FOR A SECOND!
He HAD to go on—“…and the loose skin under your arm looks like it’s getting tighter too!”
He’s looking at –and SIZING UP my LOOSE SKIN—FOR CHRISSAKE!
Back to T-shirts!!
Later –when I hit 199 pounds, he started to say something nice, “You are a MACHINE!!”
STOP RIGHT THERE!!! DO NOT SAY ANOTHER WORD!!! THAT is a perfectly good compliment that you don’t need to screw up!!
I think he’s learning!
WHAT ARE WE TEACHING OUR KIDS?? (just thinking out loud)
So–“food for thought”–maybe we should try harder to say “penny for your thoughts” Listening to moms and dads in my office…their children are acting up a bit, and the typical parental bribery interaction begins:
“If you’re good, we’ll stop at McDonalds on the way home”
“If you behave, you can get some candy”
“If you sit there quietly, you can get pizza and icecream for lunch”
Everything we do involves FOOD as a REWARD! Birthdays–CAKE Weddings–CAKE Funerals–casseroles Showers–CAKE!!
Heck, If I have a bad day–I CONSOLE myself with food–and if I have a GOOD day, I REWARD myself with food!
We need to break this cycle—
“If you’re good, we’ll go play on the swings” (paint a picture, plant some flowers, go for a bike ride, go swimming, read a book, do a puzzle, ……..)” Anything but linking reward to food!!
Oh and stop with the “If you eat all your peas you can get your dessert” It makes peas like a punishment one must choke down, in order to get a bit of pudding!
We grew up with “CLEAN YOUR PLATE–there are children starving in Africa”. I remember telling mom they could have the rest of my supper–I was full!
Put money, or little toys, or promise notes (a day at teh park, a new book, etc. in the Easter Eggs. Pass out gizmos at Halloween.
Pass out gizmos at Halloween. Ah– heck with that !!! HALLOWEEN IS ALL ABOUT THE CANDY!!! I just get Peanut butter candy—I HATE peanut butter candy–so won’t be tempted to eat it (it will rot first). Leave the basket out when you decide turn off the light–some teenager will clean up for you! NO CANDY COMES BACK IN THE HOUSE!
For adults—“If I don’t eat anything I shouldn’t be eating today, I will treat myself to a something at Frenchy’s” or”If I lose 2 pounds this week, I will put a few dollars toward that gadget I want” or “I’ll get myself some really nice yarn”—This is bad though—I have a yarn stash of $25+ Alpaca skeins that will take more than my expected life span to knit up! Yarn hoarder??? Maaaaaybe??
oooooo—-Someone reminded me to tell the SLAPPING SKIN STORY
This is preceded by a texting mishap-I have a lot of texting mishaps!
I finally broke down and added DATA to my phone so I could send and receive pictures. So now everybody is messaging me.
I decided to take my dogs for a run. By a run–I mean I take them to the deserted dyke road, and let them out of the car. I drive down the road, and they RUN to get me! You heard me say I take THEM for a run? I still don’t like running to this day–and this was BEFORE the 10K training started.
Back to story—
I am running the dogs, and then my sister, my daughter, and one of my sons literally text me within seconds of each other–tuition needed, money always needed for kids….
I thought I was pretty good at multi-tasking, but messages can foil even the most accomplished! I was swapping between, and juggling then well, until a FOURTH person–my work partner, texted:
<Hey Do I have to assist you with surgery this week?>
I answer a few texts from the family —-scream at the dogs to stop eating God knows what on the side of the road
get back to my partner
multi texts, more dog stuff
Partner: <how are we getting it out?>
get the dogs in the bloody car–enough with this running already!
Must get back to partner—but –unbeknownst to me–my trainer had thrown his hat in with the mix, and the phone takes you to the latest message somehow…
<Hey there–I need to change our time for work out–and are you ready for your first HITS?> (high intensity training session)
I respond–I thought–to my partner <VAGINALLY, I think>
That’s the answer HE got—unbeknownst to me!
I just threw the phone on the front seat (I actually don’t text and drive), and drove home with the dogs. When I get them in the house, I check—- and see his message:
<OMG !! (I see the error of my fingers)—that last message NOT meant for you!>
Thank God he knows what I do–he figured it was for someone else!
So back to SLAPPING SKIN
I head off to my HITS session—a little anxious–as I thought it would be too much. I’ve seen Jillian make those contestants cry!
“Come with me” says my trainer–smiling. Like we’re off to a picnic or something….
“Now–you are going to do sets of 4 exercises, and then we’ll do 4 others—bicycle for one minute flat out, then do wall push ups, then lift this barbell, then row for one minute”……and on and on….
After I am blowing sweat drips of my eyelids–he says to do one minute of JUMPING JACKS (he seems to like this exercise). OK—no lifting, thank God—I start jumping!
Whaaaatt is that noise??—my sole seems to be coming off my sneakers—
no–not that—oh NO!!!! NO!!!! I’m going to die–it’s not my sneakers–it’s… it’s SLAPPING SKIN!!!
DROP DROP DROP—I literally dropped to the floor. He comes running over—“Are you OK?”
I actually feel faint—“No, I’m not really OK—-no more jumping jacks today…..”
I managed to do the rest of the session(sans jumping), and left–feeling utterly exhausted, wobbly, thirsty—a little sick…
I almost made it to my car—and just started sobbing!
What is this now?—Why am I crying?–I feel fine..this is ridiculous…I can’t stop it…????? I call my sister, “I can’t stop crying!!” “What are you talking about?? You don’t cry!”
It went on for 20 minutes—uncontrollable. It wasn’t even about the slapping skin!
Texted trainer—<what the heck is this now?? >
Turns out that a really vigorous physical workout does same thing as an emotional episode–your body reads it the same–a big stress–and you can burst into tears with emotion.
“You pushed me too hard”
“You pushed yourself hard–I just stood beside you!” He was right. He’s pretty well always right–except about the mirrors.
So–just in case that crying stuff ever happens to you—now you know!
FIX FOR SLAPPING SKIN–temporary I hope!
So–next step—off to our only shop–WALMART—gotta get me some industrial strength support undies—then had to do some jumping jacks in the change room–you know–had to check out the merchandise!
So, now I am locked and loaded—jumping jack proof!
My sister texts me —“So how was the session?”
“Tough–the jumping jacks near killed me, and I really didn’t like the butt licks!” ( you know that “l” and “k” are next to each other on the keyboard) “And he made me do FOUR sets of them!”
I swear—life just makes me laugh every day!
So, the next day, I text my trainer:
<You know–you train mainly women, and you need to warn them about ‘slapping skin syndrome’. You do know the gym really echoes, right?>
<What is this syndrome of which you speak> What is he–Yoda??
(I was at my lunch with a bunch of nurses, and had to show them this exchange–we were all howling with laughter. Everybody knew what I was talking about!)
<OMG You don’t know what I am talking about??–everybody I talk to knows what this is!>
<Do you mean when the guys slap their legs before they dead lift a heavy weight?>
<You are kidding me right–you must know this syndrome>
A few minutes of silence, and a response:
<I Googled it–but it doesn’t sound like what you mean>
<You GOOGLED IT???> Sitcoms couldn’t come up wtih better material!
<What did Google say?>
He sends a link to a page about ‘slapped cheek syndrome” due to Fifth’s Disease– a viral illness commonly seen in children.
We are all now crying, we are laughing so hard…
I had to tell this poor guy what it was…..but it didn’t stop there…
The next day, I told the girls at the Y, and one of them is a retired nurse. She works at the Y now, and was eager to play a joke on the trainer.
Later that day–she calls him over…”I wonder if you would do me a favor?”
He (always nice–and helpful), “Sure! What would you like me to do?”
She beckons until he comes closer, then says, “I wonder if you can tell me a little about this virus called SLAPPED CHEEK SYNDROME! and roars laughing!
NO—You are never going to live this down–and now it is published!!!
WEIGHTS AND MEASUREMENTS!
So —once a month my trainer pulls out the measuring tape, and I pull off my sneakers, my glasses, my watch, my hair scrunchie, and anything else that may add 2 ounces to the scale—I’m wearing my lightest clothes!
don’t laugh–you’ve all done it.
Measures chest, waist, biceps, thighs, upper legs and calves—then writes down all the inches lost–which was nice to see. I see him tally it up, and then write something…
“What is this you are writing beside the ‘inches lost’? I ask.
“The inches equals the body fat you have lost “!
OKaaaayy—I didn’t question it since I was losing at least 8 pounds a month, and really dropping inches–especially from my butt and legs—–UNTIL
I lost 8 pounds one month, but only lost 2 total inches–off the hardest part…and LAST part to lose from–the blasted WAIST!
He writes down, “Two pounds body fat lost”
SAY WHAAAATTT?? “What the heck were the other 6 pounds there, buddy boy?”
“We just count INCHES for body fat”
Hmmm–I thought who is this “WE” (this stupid “WE”)
“Well, I sure as hell didn’t lose MUSCLE—you are upping my weights, and I am lifting more”
“I know full well it isn’t SKIN (see slapping skin), and I’m over the ‘water loss ‘ phase–so I think “WE” is not doing this right!” I question everything!!! Always have!
Had to let it go though—that’s the way the ‘experts’ say it is done.
I can however, THINK what I want–and I THINK that other 6 pounds was FAT! SO THERE!!! I’m going to ask for wrist measurements from now on, and work out my percentage of body fat–as a new goal to work on!
So–back I get from vacation–and I REALLY DID work my arse off so to speak. Newfoundland is REALLY hilly, and I was doing 9K hikes most days, then running 5 k around Quidi Vidi, and swimming for 2 hours at a time–and when everybody else was eating MOO MOOS icecream–I WASN’T!!
And Jacob’s ladder had nothing on some of the inclines I did on the trail!
So back I come—to the ‘tape and scale’ moment.
UP FOUR FREAKING POUNDS (and just HAD to hit that 200 mark –just to rub it in!!)
4 1/2 inches lost!!!
Something like when you are in your late 40s and still having periods, and you think, “Hmmm, I’m still YOUNG enough to have a period”–then the NEXT day you’re thinking… “I’m too old for this B.S!!!’
So—Winnie the Pooh (happy over inches), or Eeyore (sad over weight)–decisions, decisons—OK— I’ll go with Winnie the Pooh—I’ll be HAPPY about the 4 1/2 inches.
WAIT UP……no writing is taking place..what what what??????
I’m thinking…OK Every month I lose weight, and inches and even when I lose 12 pounds but only 2 inches I get the “body fat loss” comment written.
“Hey there–aren’t you forgetting something?”, I ask Mr. Trainer?
“My body fat loss–you didn’t write it down”
“Oh, —- I just forgot!”
“Look– are you following the stupid “WE USE INCHES” method (even though you only measure one leg, one arm, one calf—I should get double for duplicate limbs, shouldn’t I?
“I WANT THAT 4 1/2 POUNDS OF BODY FAT LOSS!—even if I gained weight—you always tell me it’s muscle.”
WARNING: Don’t tell off your trainer—they REALLY take pleasure in their job! Write 50 times:
The trainer is always right
The trainer is always right…….
So, now he really has me working on building muscle–so ” I can burn more fat”…..so more weight being added to the machines!
I was feeling pretty cocky—just leg pressed 540–quite chuffed–I did 6 reps without blowing a disc!
So he ups my weight for the straight leg dead lift–or whatever it is that makes me feel my back working/dying–and here I am sweating from my eyelids again–doing my 4th set of 12 reps.
After I heave the weight up for the last time, he–being a gentleman—takes the weight when I am done—BETWEEN HIS THUMB AND BLOODY FOREFINGER!!!
Could you even grimace with effort if you tried? How about to make me feel better? A single bead of sweat?
Had a weekend off. Made sure I got an hour swim, and one hour with the trainer–then OFF to PEI to see a show–THE MILLION DOLLAR QUARTET—AWESOME young talent there!
We decide to go to the yarn shop (I was good–I didn’t buy any unknitted yarn:-)
I did see a beautiful hand -knitted sweater–and since I have given almost all my clothes away since they kept falling down–I need a fall sweater.
“Excuse me”. I ask the salesman–an older bearded fella in a leather kilt no less! (he’ll know this is about him!)
“I really like this sweater–where are they located”
“What size are you looking for?”, he asks.
“A large”, I say–confidently.
WHAT DOES HE DO??? HE ROLLS HIS EYES, breathes a long dragged out sigh and says “Reaaaaally?” “”Hmmmmm”
(Like –you look as big as a barn, and ‘no way you are a large’ sigh)
With my newfound confidence, I immediately call him out–with his female co-workers hearing me say it:
“Hey, what’s with the sigh?? When a lady tells you her size, you do NOT pull an eyeroll and sigh–how is that ONE bit tactful, or polite? That is NOT what a true gentleman would do!”
He back peddles a bit “I just want to make sure I don’t put you in something the wrong size……” Oh just stop already–you’ve totally blown it.
I ended up getting the large–from the female staff.
I SHOULD have made a comment about his kilt–and what size was underneath it……..but… I’VE GOT TACT!!!
Got a couple of other things to wear–SO much more fun choosing COLORFUL things instead of “slimming” black–although I really like black pants–they go with everything!
I think my wardrobe is brightening up–a parallel with life?
TWO CHEAPER THAN ONE
So–have you gone to the grocery store lately? I don’t know if it’s a conspiracy against sinlges, seniors— or just a BS marketing idea thought up by some under 30 nitwit.
BUY TWO FOR THREE DOLLARS (or one for 1.89)
Those damned signs are everywhere, but they seem to be on all the chocolate (I am not buying BECAUSE of this sign).
It seems we have a nutritionist on staff at the local supermarket–but surely (s)he can see what this encourages—OVEREATING!!! FOOD WASTAGE!!!
(and WHY is Cloverleaf tuna on the shelf when it is NOT dolphin friendly?…..surely there is other tuna companies we can buy from…and why are we selling bluefin tuna instead of yellow fin tuna?—–don’t get me started……
When you are single you cannot eat TWO boxes of strawberries before mold (even in the fridge) destroys the second box! And sure you’ll say that you can always put the second and third candy bar (THREE FOR $3 or $1.75 each!) away for later–but we don’t—we finish our plate–we have been well trained!
…and while I’m at it–why can’t you buy celery by the stalk!!
…and why are parships so expensive…and why do you need to take out a loan sometimes to get a head of cauliflower? I can see why families on a limited budget will buy McDonald’s hamburger, instead of a more expensive bag of three parsnips!
I need to find another single person to split the veggies with—it can’t be done–I cannot eat celery until it’s all gone!
I’m doing better with cucumber–I can eat a whole one for a snack–but celery–come on!!!!
…oooh, and you DON’T have to buy the whole, banded asparagus—take 5 spears–it’s by the pound!
I’ve written a letter to the supermarket corporate office—if you feel the same–speak up!
OK Now that I’ve found it is true that you lose weight much faster off your boobs than off your hips, I have had it up to here with trying to find a decent bra!
This is why you can’t wear just any old bra to the gym! NOT A NICE SURPRISE!!
First off—you have to have SOME padding –especially if you want to wear PLAIN tops to the gym. Headlights are for CARS!
I love all the bras the young slim girls are wearing with the decorator backs—sigh —THOSE days are gone!! But, ya need support if you want to work out—-nothing worse than going to the locker room to find out one of your girls has fallen out–God knows when—or that one girl is looking up at the ceiling and the other is hiding behind your back!
I’ve officially moved from a 42DD to a 38 LONG!
So–you newbies to this journey–let me try to save you some awkward moments.
You need FULL COVERAGE–and that means NOT ONE BIT OF YOUR GIRLS should be seeing the light of day—any light is an escape route. When do they escape?When you are doing back raises. You have to lean way over. This diagram shows correct technique to corral things—hands crossed tightly…. holding your girls into place…
Nothing like leaning over and hear the flop flop of girls escaping–and hoping to God they flop back when you come up!
Now, when you are young and nimble, you can get your skinny little arms into contraptions like this…
–and they look really cute–but I tried, and after the third time sticking my arms into the wrong holes, and it rolling up like a touniquet, and creating a double duplex out of my girls, it was binned.
My favorite is now the easy on type–no asking somebody to help you untwist the blasted thing at the back…..yeah yeah—you’ve all done it. That claustrophobia you get when your bra is literally making you feel you are being choked by a python. Front loading–easy on and easy off–cuz if putting a dry bra ON is hard…try getting a sweat-soaked one OFF!!